Hümeyra Bilge Şen – Bring Your Name

Guest: Hümeyra Bilge Şen
Title of The Work: Bring Your Name
Original Title: Adını Sen Getir
Genre: Prose Writing

I sit in front of the doner shop, watching the meat being slaughtered and the people who slaughter me pass by.

About thirty people have passed through the street, thirty different stories. I always do this, I always put other people’s stories in front of my own. I write more painful stories for them, I want to prove to myself that I am not the one who suffers the most. But in vain, does everyone enjoy this life we call a stopover? They do, watching a movie makes you happy, kissing your lover, holding your mother’s hand tightly or laughing with your friends.

Happiness was such a simple thing, there was no such thing as happiness in my teachings. Even if there was, it would have passed me by on a tangent, maybe my belief in being happy one day is the absolute reason for my unhappiness.

What do you want from me, the voice of life says in my ears. If you wanted, I could offer you life, life tells me. But my wishes are too difficult in his universe. He gives life, not death.

I went to death and asked it to take me with it. It refused. I’m wavering between life and death.

The street is full of police again. They are on every corner, people are anxious that something will happen and I am anxious that I am about to be caught. It is as if they will read my thoughts and take me away to the darkest of cells. It is unclear which cell my cell will fit in. How can they know. They can’t know, even if they knew, they wouldn’t understand. Even if they understand, they cannot read.

I raise my head, I look at what I can’t write from where I’m writing now. Following a very heavy, uneasy excitement.

The cigarettes I light one after the other leave a creamy taste in my mouth. Just like the taste life leaves in my mouth. Life tricked me.